Humanities Curse: Embarrassment

Have you ever been so embarrassed by a situation that it haunts you for the rest of your life? When you are doing random, mundane tasks, do these embarrassing moments overwhelm your entire psyche and make you relive the experience all over again in real time? Have you never been able to let something go?

I genuinely want to know if its just me. It’s not a hypothetical question. I could be walking my dog on a perfectly gorgeous day in summer and be struck like lightning with anxiety about something that happened over 6 years ago.

I have 3 of these moments which constantly haunt me. Two are from when I was in college, and the latter is from today, apparently, since it’s 10:20 on a Friday night. I roused myself out of bed to come and blog about this horrifying experience because I guess is impossible for me to stop thinking about. Maybe if I type all 3 of these things out, they will somehow be laid to rest. Like how ghosts roam the earth until their final repentance is taken care of. The first one I *shudder* for anyone other than who was involved to find out about because it is not only embarrassing– but also disgusting.

Let’s start with the most current.

Preface: I coach high school volleyball C-Team.

Let me explain how I am NOT QUALIFIED for this position whatsoever. I started playing bar league volleyball when I turned 21. It was fun. I drank a lot. Too much, in fact. I still play to this day. This being said, I have no clue about the fancy rotations, the positions, the drills, the seed meetings, the rosters / lineups, the DRAMA of it all. My athletic director found out it was a hobby of mine from my hiring interview. (When an interview panel asks what you do for fun, you tend to leave out the ‘not so professional’ parts of your hobbies.) So yes, volleyball was a hobby that I stated in my interview. They didn’t need to know that alcohol is almost always involved. I was desperate for my new authority’s approval, and they were desperate for anyone with a pulse as help.

So I said yes. Fast forward three years later. I’ve learned a lot, but I still feel like an absolute moron every single time volleyball season rolls around. Tonight, we only had a Varsity practice since play-offs are right around the corner. Remember, this is the story about an embarrassment that will probably forever haunt me, and the girls don’t even know it was an impactful moment in my shitty, fast-approaching 30 year old life. Something so small to them is mortifying to me.

They literally played around me. I was so incompetent with the rotations, that they let me stay in the same spot and rotated around me. They didn’t set me. I suck so much as a volleyball player that 17 year old girls ignored me out on the court. That, my friends, is the day I knew I was absolutely pathetic. Or, maybe am I just getting old? I’m embarrassed because I’m not athletic. I’m not naturally gifted. I try hard and have fun, but it doesn’t show on me. Next year, I may just quit.

The second story is when I was dog sitting for my professor. I watched his families dogs a handful of times while they were out of town or on vacation before. They were those really prissy dogs: white fur, brown crusties around its eyes, costs 100 or more dollars at the groomers every month, looks cross-eyed half the time… I Googled and a Bichon looks to be the closest fit. Anyways, I tried to take these god damn dogs out on walks every time I dog-watched for this family. They would be super hyper and excitable in the house, I would put the collar on to walk the neighborhood, and they would walk approximately 3 houses down and lay down. I pulled and pulled and pulled on their leash and collar to try to get them to walk more. It was a ritzy neighborhood full of stay-at-home moms, neighborhood watch programs, and snoopy elderly people. I knew people were watching me, but I yanked their leashes anyway. I immediately felt terrible after I finally got the dogs home. I knew I should be so rough with such a petite breed of dog. The family never asked me to dog sit ever again for them. This haunts me still to this day because I had great respect for this specific professor – and I lost all of his. More than likely he didn’t need my services anymore or found another college kid to watch his dogs, but I still think its because some nosey old bastard in his neighborhood told him I was being too rough with his little princess dogs.

Side note – I also dog-sat for this other older couple, and they never asked me back after I had my boyfriend stay the night at their house without asking permission. Maybe they thought we banged in their bed. Who knows!

The final story I don’t think is safe for the internet. Let’s just say a tampon was involved. Let your imaginations run wild. 😉 That story needs to stay between me, my tampon, and my MALE roommate.

Please comment below if you also are crippled with embarrassing things that happened to you in the past! I need someone to also feel my pain.

The Deployment Diaries: Part Two

At some points, I wish D-Day was a complete surprise to me. Knowing about it for months upon months now has created this sense of feeling like a kettle: I’m a slow boil soon to scream under all of the pressure. I’m trying so hard to be strong and put on this face of ‘everything will be okay’ but in all reality- I’m imploding. I wake up every day so thankful I get to spend special moments with my soldier knowing that it’s all about to change. We’ve done so many fun things! We went to Lollapalooza, the worlds most iconic and memorable music festival. We went to a Packers pre-season game. We are going to see his family. We are doing everything in our power to suck out every single ounce of happiness within these next couple of days. I feel the dread stirring up inside of me, and I feel out of control. I can’t change anything about what’s to come for the next year, and all I can do is pray for strength while joining as many hobbies and groups as I can to feel connected to society. I am definitely the type of person to just hide inside of my apartment and never come out. To wallow. But, I refuse to let myself feel like a pile of hot garbage for the next year. Life moves on, and so will I. It’s just a major bummer that I’ll have to learn to do that by myself.

I dream about our one year wedding anniversary that I will be spending alone. I dream about all of the weddings I will RSVP to for ‘1’. I dream about Christmas, Easter, birthdays, Sundays…. All alone. But even more scary for me are the Tuesdays four months from now when I get home from work in 0-degree weather in the pitch-black darkness where I just sit inside of my apartment for 6 hours until I go to bed. Wake up. And do it all over again. Work. Wallow. Repeat.

I’m terrified of the bad days at work where I need to vent to someone and having nobody. I’m scared of literally having nobody. Teaching is a very isolating feeling where I have to be perfect at all avenues or else face ridicule, embarrassment, or the wrath of parents and other staff. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, so I feel like I will internalize all of these issues instead of working through them. In these next couple of months, I will find out who is a real friend in my life and who is fair weather. I feel people slipping away already because of ‘life’ stuff: moving, babies, relationships, work… All of it pulls people apart. I miss living in my house on Union street where I was surrounded by my best friends at all times. I hate that living with my friends didn’t work out. I regret a lot of stuff about those relationships, but this next year will make some of my relationships clearer in where I stand.

The struggle is juggling the anxiety of going back to work soon with the anxiety of losing my best friend. I’ve definitely been pushing him away lately which is a natural stage apparently, but it still really sucks to feel like I’m wasting our last days together in a funk because I can’t seem to alter my mentality about the situation.

For now, I’m struggling. I’m sure this will be the case for a while. I’m hoping to ease the pain soon, but I don’t think anything but time will work.

“When you’re low
And your knees can’t rise
You feel helpless
And you’re looking to the sky
Some people would say
To accept their fate
Well, if this is fate
Then we’ll find a way to cheat
‘Cause, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh we’ll say a little prayer
But, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh if the answer isn’t fair
You know you can call on me
When you need somebody
You know you can call on me
When you can’t stop the tears from falling down.” – Starley